What do I do when no one posts for over a week? I create a new forum of course! Welcome to the humor forum, where you can copy/paste your favorite humorous junk, and help us (and yourself) kill some time!
And to kick things off, here are some favorite-based horoscopes from my school's daily newspaper, The Daily Orange:
This week, our unlicensed astrologers tell your fortune based on your reason for dropping a class.
Slept with the T.A.
You'll be very confused when you arrive at a party and don't understand a word that's being said. Everyone will be speaking in German - but you won't realize it until halfway through the third chorus of "Das Lederhosen."
Didn't buy the books
Instead of a weekly physical berating by your ex, you'll be on the receiving end of a surprise goose attack. Fortunately, you can use the same tactics to fend it off - call it names and kick it with a steel-toed boots until it backs off.
Forgot you were enrolled
Though it may seem like a good idea at first, shopping with your grandparents will lead to nothing but questions about whether your top fits well enough in the chest - or crotch, for that matter.
Didn't sleep with the T.A.
Your next phone bill will reveal the details of a drunken night several months ago, during which you made 20 calls in two hours. It's definitely a positive thing, however, because now you know exactly who you should remove from your phonebook before heading out for the night - and why that person has been looking at you funny for weeks.
Ran over the professor's dog
While home over the long weekend, you'll find out through the gossip mill that eleven girls from your high school graduating class of 54 are already pregnant, an impressive 20 percent. Given that you're a junior triple-major with a 4.0 GPA, it looks like you've got some catching up to do.
Paper cut to the eye
You'll return from Spring Break with more than a tan.
Didn't take the prerequisite
Taking your mom with you on an internship interview is definitely a bad plan. Not only will she disapprove of the company you're trying to work with and your choice of wardrobe, but she'll claim to be too scared to pee in the neighborhood.
Professor is secretly a mutant dinosaur
You'll wake up one morning to find that your rear windshield has been completely smashed in. However, this is one instance in which being a poor college student worked in your favor, as the only contents of your car are a Starbucks coffee mug and an ice scraper.
Class scheduled during beer pong
After losing your cell phone in a cab and chasing it down to no avail, you'll run up to a group of bikini-clad women in hopes of gaining assistance. Unfortunately, they'll think you're looking for a different kind of aid, and run away screaming.
Too much time in lab
The new ultimate date will be tickets to the rodeo and cheese fries at Acropolis.
Confused by lack of swap button on MySlice
You'll once again be required to clean up barf at 3 a.m. But this time, it's not your drunken roommate - your cat just decided it was time to cough up a hairball.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Your Spring Break may have been fruitful, Sagittarius, but now that you're back at Syracuse, things won't continue in your favor. Try running around in your bathing suit and flip flops; if you don't regain your Floridian hotness, someone will certainly take notice of you.
100 Fun Things To Do In A Grocery Store
* = If you work there
*1.) When stocking things, stock them facing backwards and see how long you can go before someone complains.
*2.) Play conga music over the loudspeaker and try to form a conga line with customers and coworkers.
3.) Jump out from behind shelves, displays, etc. and yell, "Peek-a-boo!" at people.
*4.) Get on the loudspeaker at random intervals and say whatever comes to mind first ("Booga-wooga!").
*5.) If someone asks where something is, say, "Oh, is THAT what you call it now?" ::wink wink::.
6.) Put an empty box on your head and yell, "I am BOXPERSON!" and run around making your own hero-music.
7.) Throw things from one aisle over the shelves and then run when you hit someone, cackling.
8.) Ride the conveyer belts on checkout lines and insist that you are this week's special.
*9.) Send new sackers on quests for things that don't exist ("We need Snippi-Snappis, quick! Run, run!").
*10.) After scanning everything, ask the customer if they want fries with that.
*11.) Get on one of the big pallet movers and race it through the produce section while singing the Batman theme.
12.) Balance yourself in a big rolling mop bucket and push yourself along with the mop, singing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'
*13.) If there's more than one, hold races with coworkers.
*14.) Tell the sackers to sack everything separately, first in paper, then plastic, then paper.
*15.) If you're sacking, choose one thing; double sack, triple sack, quadruple sack and so on. Keep going until someone notices.
16.) Attempt to juggle lightbulbs.
17.) Throw sugar at everyone and say officiously, "You may now proceed to Decontam. Move along."
18.) When someone isn't paying attention to their cart, grab a few items and set them on the floor in front of the cart.
*19.) If your job requires you to wear one of two ties, wear both at the same time.
20.) Do face painting with things like tomato paste, mustard, chocolate syrup, etc.
21.) When you watch someone scan something, get all wide-eyed and mutter things about "The Force".
*22.) When someone asks where something is, snap and start screaming at them. When asked what your problem is, respond with "PMS". Bonus points if you're a guy.
23.) Watch for someone coming for soda, then shake up as many as possible and run.
24.) Stand by the dairy section and go, "Mooooo" when someone picks up some milk.
25.) Write messages of doom on the sides of random soup cans.
26.) Scream in anguish whenever anyone picks up any meat.
27.) Sit down in the cereal aisle and start opening and dumping out cereal. When someone asks what you're doing, say, "I'm looking for the prizes!".
*28.) While stocking shelves, if someone walks by, say to yourself just audibly, "About time we got rid of these. Been here since the store opened.".
29.) Walk up to a perfect stranger, smile brightly, hand them a jar of something and flee.
30.) In the deli section, grab a bunch of wrapped straws, tear off the tops and shoot the wrappers at people.
31.) Bowling with produce!
32.) Organize a game of 'Truth or Dare' in the toothpaste aisle.
33.) Food fight!
34.) Throw tomatoes at people and yell, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!".
35.) Bring items from other stores and put them on the shelves.
36.) Locate an old lady, stare in horror, scream, "You're one of THEM!" and fall over things as you run away.
37.) Skip around merrily and hug people.
38.) Hand out pads and tampons to little kids. Say they're a "special treat."
39.) Find some cucumbers, take them to the bakery and start playing a drum solo on any available surface. See how far into the song you can get before someone asks what the hell you’re doing.
40.) Ask everyone you see whether they’ve heard the one about the waffle iron and the Chihuahua.
41.) Record the theme from ‘Jaws’, set it to play and hide it behind the Campbell's soup display.
42.) Stand just behind one of the sackers and do a Hitler impression, screaming random things in German at passing customers.
*43.) Hide a video camera in the employee restroom and put the unmarked tape, with a 25 cent price tag, by the checkout.
44.) Locate a free sample tray and sprinkle a small amount of chili powder over its contents. Hide to watch the results.
45.) Cross your eyes, drool and wander around, bumping into people, until you reach the produce aisle. Immediately walk back out and ask whoever you last encountered where to find the beer.
46.) Run full-tilt into the candy aisle, grab a 5-pack of Tic-Tacs, and wave them aloft as you proclaim, "At last! The final ingredient! Now I will rule the world!".
47.) Sit down in the center of a random aisle, clutching a box of microwave popcorn and sobbing, "I'll never let go, Jack . . . I'll never let go . . .".
48.) Find a friend and set up a war between Wrigley's and BubbleYum.
49.) Station yourself in front of the plastic cutlery and prevent people from taking any by sobbing and singing 'Kum Ba Ya.'
*50.) When bagging, slip tampons in among the groceries.
*51.) Tell all newbies at some point to go refill the water fountains.
52.) Walk up to someone, shaking uncontrollably, and stutter as you ask where to find the caffeine pills.
53.) Hunch over and scuttle through the dairy section, muttering something about brains, then grab a cup of pineapple yogurt and fling it at someone. Keep flinging yogurt cups until someone stops you. Bonus if you get thrown out.
54.) If someone passes you, glare reproachfully and declare that you are NOT dead.
55.) Stack soup cans in intricate patterns and when told to fix it, protest that it's contemporary art.
56.) Whenever you see a guy in a T-shirt, start singing and dancing the 'YMCA.' Try to compel him to join you.
57.) Snatch and open a box of pancake mix, scream, "LIES! THERE ARE NO PANCAKES HERE!" and throw handfuls of powder at people.
58.) Pick a common item (i.e. toilet paper) and keep watch on it. When someone picks one up, scream, "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" and start throwing random items at them.
59.) Dance through the bakery, clicking invisible castanets and singing in make-believe Spanish.
60.) Dare other customers to streak through the store with you.
61.) As people enter, hand them a copy of a scavenger hunt list. Tell them that they have one hour to find everything.
62.) Steal things out of people's carts and leave ransom notes asking for their cheese in return for the stolen item. Tell them to meet you by the sphegetti sauces.
*63.) Get on the PA and say things like "Attention K-Mart shoppers" or "Welcome to Piggly-Wiggly". This only works if the store is NOT K-Mart or Piggly-Wiggly.
64.) Put 'Caution: Wet floor' signs in very strange places, i.e. on top of shelves, in the parking lot, etc.
65.) Hide a singing fish in the seafood area so that anyone who goes near or in it will hear it singing and talking.
66.) Act all shifty and nervous while approaching someone, then say to them while they're grabbing something, "You don't want to take that....the government puts weeeeiiird stuff in there, just using us like guiniea pigs..." Go on as long as you can. Bonus points if the person actually puts the item back.
*67.) Get on the PA and pretend to be the police. Use the names of coworkers in a list of people being arrested. See how many of them actually come forward. Bonus points if someone starts confessing things.
68.) Dress professionally and stand at the entrance with a clipboard and pen. Pretend to be jotting down notes about people as they come in. Pick a trait and shake your head everytime someone passes by with that trait (short hair, sunglasses, pink socks, etc)
69.) Bump into an old lady and act like you’ve just broken a priceless antique. Offer to “put it back together again”.
70.) Go up to random people, regardless of age, sex, or marital status, and ask them if they'll marry you. If they say yes, act all nervous, stutter something about not being ready for a commitment, and run.
71.) When in the checkout lane, lean over to look at the keyboard and go "Ooo, what's this do? And this? And this?...", Pushing buttons and such while doing so.
72.) Use lines from TV and movies randomly on people you encounter.
73.) Hide a pile of fake dog doo on a shelf and loiter nearby to watch the fun.
*74.) Dial a phone sex line, put it over the PA, and hide it. Things will get really interesting if you've hidden it well.
*75.) Piss your customers off by getting 3 and 5 mixed up all the time.
76.) Write the number 666 on different things and watch how people react.
77.) Grab a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and start touching it inappropiately. See how many people have a heart attack before you're thrown out.
78.) Start humming songs from The Nutcracker and pretend to be a ballerina. Try and get as many people involved as you can.
79.) Go into loud and dramatic convulsions on the floor. When someone tries to help you, stop, yell “Can’t you see I’m busy?!” and go back to writhing.
*80.) Sit down in the bread aisle with a storybook and get kids to sit down for "Stories from the Grocery Store". Start off happily, then get more bitter-sounding as you talk about your lack of a raise and stupid coworkers.
81.) Stuff your clothes with plastic sacks to make it look like you have anatomy that wasn't there before (or to enhance anatomy you already have).
*82.) If working in the dairy cooler, watch for someone reaching for an item, then grab their hand from behind the shelves and make noises like a rabid animal.
*83.) If someone comes up to you and asks where to find something, say, “How should I know? It’s not like I work here!”
84.) Buy a sandwich from the deli department, take a bite, gag, and then scream "Soylent Green is people!!" and run away, spitting.
85.) Make puppets out of anything you can think of-boxes, carved cheese blocks, etc. Put on a puppet show for the customers.
*86.) If caught doing any of these and your boss starts chewing you out, start arguing with them. ("You're out of line." "No, YOU'RE out of line!")
*87.) Steal the microphones from the checking lanes and make it look like they're plugged into weird places, such as in the meat case, on a clock, etc.
*88.) Make calls over the microphones as if they're functioning. Bitch and moan if someone doesn't come to you immediately and complain about the useless help.
89.) Loudly imitate an ‘Herbal Essences’ commercial with one of the shampoos.
90.) Pick up a box of soap, pretend it’s a video camera, and do ‘The Blair Witch’.
91.) Put a box on your head and lie down in the middle of an aisle.
92.) Follow a customer around the store and quack like a duck every time they try to talk.
93.) Ask for the manager of the store and when he shows up, start screaming at him in the Pants language until you get thrown out.
94.) Make up a language and then go talk to one of the workers. Make gestures wildly when they don't understand you.
95.) Dress up as a piece of produce and picket in front of the produce display. Make up chants about the 'cruelty to vegetables'. Bonus points if someone joins you.
96.) Burst into the store, do your best ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ cry, and tackle a magazine stand.
97.) Stand outside the door with a sign that says “The devil is in our grocery stores! Repent!”
98.) Go up to a member of the same sex and start hitting on them, insisting that they’re the man/woman of your dreams. Make puppy eyes and follow them around the store.
99.) Steal something from someone's cart and run off laughing. Be as conspicuous as possible. When they confront you, say "Blast! Foiled again!" and give the item back.
100.) Walk up to an old lady and say, “You’ve just said the secret word! Please go to the management for your prize!”
www.collegehumor.com
can't talk long have insane amount of work going to puerto rico next weekend for no real reason but officially for a wedding wont complain its my fault i know just want to say i haven't forgotten ais2002.com!
How about this week's horoscopes, again from The Daily Orange? They're even more blunt this week, and revolve around Wal-Mart.
"This week, our unlicensed astrologers tell your fortune based on your favorite item to purchase at Wal-Mart.
Giant fishing net
With the mission of taking advantage of Syracuse's city life, you will attend a Crunch game. However, your plan of departing your normal routine will go straight to hell when you find yourself drunk before the end of the first period.
Mary-Kate and Ashley brand clothing
Saturday night will lead you to a bar whose claims to fame are the dead animals on the wall. They'll even show you their illegal stuffed monkey from behind the fridge if you ask ... wait a second, that's no monkey!
Lubricated tampons
Your fuck buddy will leave you for an actual committed relationship. You won't be sad - just pissed that you were beaten to the punch.
Studded tires
You'll spot the person you hooked up with last weekend on the Quad - or so you think. Instead of running up and making an ass of yourself, you'll set up a spy station behind a nearby tree. This will all work out very well until the cheerleading couple practicing next to you topples over, giving away your covert operation.
Chia pets
You'll drunkenly ask a townie for one of her nuggets. You'll mean chicken - she'll think you mean something else.
20 gallons of Cool Whip
The date you'll go on with a high schooler is perfectly acceptable -the two of you will even make out in the basement of said high-schooler's parents' house. There's one difference between this date and high school, however - this time, the dad will actually have the legal right to call the cops when he learns how old you are.
Plastic kiddie pool
Further proof that college is a sham - the required reading for your class this week will be "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Next week - a screening of "Stuart Little 2."
Home waxing kit
After being touched by the wonder that is "Swingers," your next movie choice of the evening will be "You Got Served." While this film will not continue in the same tradition of excellence, it will teach you how to make a movie about not tripping over your boo, and that if ever you owe your business partner for losing his "stuff," you can always count on your friendly neighborhood break-dancing referee.
Hacksaw
You'll attend a concert in someone's attic, and feel at home in the calm, warming atmosphere, surrounded by happy hipsters who just want to get close to each other. A large portion of the hipsters will quickly become a little too happy, however, and you'll dash from the attic just in time, an acoustic chorus of "Sexual Healing" ringing in your ears.
Ribbon-shaped car magnet
The high schoolers touring campus will appreciate your demonstration of the fake doors of Carnegie Library, but you won't find your folly quite so humorous when you accidentally tumble down the stairs in your rowdy state.
Boxed wine
Your friend will convince you to go in on her late April Fool's Day joke of convincing her boyfriend that she's pregnant. When he comes to you for the truth, you'll keep the secret - but wonder if you made the wrong move the next day when he calls you while en route to Mexico.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Unusually warm weather on Wednesday will bring a cold, knowing sense of fear that chills you to your very bones. Yes, you did forget to write a paper. However, the twelfth moon of Venus will shine upon your professor, and she will grant you another day. Thank Zeus!!!"
Young Asians in America come in many forms. Below are the major categories. Most Asians fit into multiple groups. For example, Rice-boys can also be Fobs and many Tabs are Fobulous. The only groups that are never part of another group are the Twinkies and the Asian-Americans. Claim your Fobbiness! When you see your Asian friend, greet them with "Wassup Fob!" And if your Asian friend says something ridiculous, say "Fob please!" Of course, when a non-Asian calls you a Fob, that is grounds for a fight. Ahahaha... The categories below are to be taken lightheartedly. Read, recognize and laugh.
Twinkie
- Besides your nationality, there is little to distinguish you from white people
- Your significant other is not Asian and never has been
- You have few Asian friends, if any
- You are embarrassed at family events because you cannot speak your language and everyone has to switch to English to communicate with you
- You have no idea that the other types of Asians on this list even exist
- You think Hello Kitty is dumb and do not know what Sanrio is
- You are the only Asian on this list that does not know what Bubble Tea is
- You drive a Ford or some other domestic car and if you drive a Honda, it is stock
Asian-American
- You claim yourself as Asian, but real Asians think you're whitewashed and non-Asians see you as a foreigner. You fit in nowhere
- You have heard of Bubble Tea but have never actually had any
- You are confused about your cultural identity and express this frustration through spoken word performances at your college
- You read A. magazine and think it's great
- You do not know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, or Kangta are
- You are only vaguely aware of the other Asians below
Yap (Young Asian Professional)
- You are in one of these professions:
a) Medicine / Pharmaceutical
b) Engineering
c) Finance
d) Investment Banking
e) Accounting
- Most of your wardrobe was purchased at Banana Republic
- You go to "mixers" on Thursday nights to meet other Yaps and talk about the Dow Jones.
- You did exactly what your parents wanted you to do and as a result, your life is hella boring
- Your apartment/home is decorated almost exclusively with stuff from Pier 1
- Your parents always talk to their friends about how much money you make. If they don't, then you're a disappointment
Fob (Fresh Off tha Boat)
- You were not born in America
- You know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, and Kangta are. In fact, you have seen them at Atlantic City or Las Vegas recently
- You speak your native language fluently and so do all your friends
- You do not have any non-Asian friends
- Your parents do not speak any English
- When you speak English, you like to make everything plural
- You get extremely good grades in school
- You cannot dance
- Your fashion sense comes from whatever country you're from and you incorporate nothing from American fashion into your wardrobe
SuperFob
- Your command of the English language is minimal and you don't care
- You like dim sum chicken feet
- You do not own a single CD, VCD, Video game, or DVD that isn't bootlegged
- Your only hangout is Chinatown
- All the lights in your house are fluorescent
- You dry your cloths outside your window
- You need a haircut
- You either smell like cigarettes or food
Fobabee
- You are an Asian-American or Twinkie who has recently "awoken"
- You have a newly found fetish of Asian girls/boys
- You have taken the Asian Studies course at college
- You are trying to learn as much as possible about your culture to make up for your lifetime of trying to be white (Twinkie ; Banana) or Black (Chigger ; Tea egg)
- If you are lucky, you will grow to become Fobulous
Gangsta Fob (Fobsta)
- You have shot another Asian
- Your favorite hangout is a pool hall
- When you talk, you sound like a cross between a Fob and an urban black kid
- Your hair looks silly, but no one will tell you because you'll shoot them
- You have a serious gambling problem
- You are a Rice-boy, but your mods are cheap and are never painted to match the rest of your car
- No one tells you your rice ride looks cheap because you'll shoot them
- You want to have a Tab girlfriend, but can only get Hoochie Tabs
Tab (Trendy Asian B*tch)
- You shop at A/X, Bebe and Club Monaco
- You only wear black and will occasionally wear white to "mix it up"
- You do not weigh more than 105 lbs
- You have never paid for dinner at a restaurant in your life
- Platform heels are your favorite
- You are a makeup expert, in fact, you appear completely flawless
- You do not smile in public
- You are the object of desire of all Asian men and you know it
- You smoke
- Your cell phone is completely customized
- On the inside flip of your cell phone is a sticker pic of you and your man
- Somewhere in your purse is a Sanrio item
- You only date Asian and will only date a boy with a nice car
- You are often seen with Rice-boys
- You never travel alone. You are either in the company of other Tabs or your Rice-boy boyfriend
Hoochie Tab
- You are an import car model
- Your boobs are not real
- There are naked pictures of you floating around on the internet somewhere
- Stiletto heels are your favorite
- Your role models are Francine Dee and Kaila Yu
- Your boyfriend is a Gangsta Fob
- You cheat on your boyfriend
- Unlike most Asians, you do not do well in school
Rice-Boy
- You drive an Asian import. Usually a Honda or Acura
- Your souped up car (known as a Rice-ride or Rice-rocket) is unrecognizable from it's original stock form
- Your exhaust pipe is big enough for your head to fit in
- The spoiler on your car looks like it was made by Boeing
- The interior of your car also looks like it was designed by Boeing
- You always drive like you are racing someone
- You are not afraid of dying in a crash, but you are afraid of speed bumps and parking lot on-ramps
- The only other person besides yourself who can sit in your car is your 105 lbs Tab girlfriend. If anyone else sits in your car, the entire bottom of it will be touching the ground
- Even though your car is a Honda, it goes faster and is worth more than a Lotus Esprit
- If you drive a Civic, your dream car is a Supra. If you drive a Supra, your dream car is a Skyline (which you can never have). Poor Rice-boy.
Fobulous
- You speak perfect English and you are fluent in your native language
- You have Asian friends as well as non-Asian friends
- You listen to Asian pop as well as American music
- You are equally aware of both popular American culture and Asian pop culture
- You are a good dancer
- You date Asian by choice even though you could rock the opposite sex of any other race
- You are a good designer and have superior Html skills
- You have an Apt107 page AND an AA page and the guest books in both are packed
- For you, FOB stands for Fabulous Oriental Being
- You have lots of Asian pride"